“And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look behind
From where we came” – Circle Game by Joni Mitchell
I have had this post verbalized in my head for quite a few weeks now.. but as I put pen to paper, the words are just not coming. Last year, at this time, I was in labour. For those of you have have gone through child birth, you know how gruelling it can be. My labour lasted nearly 4 days and the sweet hit of epidural came 3.5 days into labour. I was so ready to get the baby out of me that on the 4th day I went to the hospital and refused to leave until they admitted me. My birth story is a story for another time.. because what followed after it all has truly been a wonderful year with our little baby girl, Liyana Maryam.
When Liyana was FINALLY born, I could not stop babbling with joy. All I kept saying was how beautiful she is and how she looks like my husband. My poor husband was totally not amused by this and to this day says that I totally ruined “the moment for him” 😉 Little did he know, that there would be thousands more wonderful moments with his darling “beti” that we both could not fathom.
The first few months were literally the worst. I was fortunate enough to have my parents to help me with the newborn – I say “the new born” because Liyana now, is not the Liyana then. They are different beings in my head – and to this day trying to remember what it was like, is indeed quite difficult for me and feels more like a dream. The “100 days of darkness” were quite literal for me (If you haven’t heard of the 100 days, read the article HERE.) Tears on anything and everything, wondering why I had decided to have a baby and willingly chosen to give up sleep and the vortex of negative thought just did not end. When people came to visit, I would put on make up and clean clothes and would appear to have it all together. But no one, but Liyana saw the endless tears through the night and days. Breast feeding was hard and ultimately at 3 months, I just gave up. I just could not do it anymore and I made that choice for my own sanity.
Truly, what kept me sane was my husband. He has provided unwavering support in all my weak and not so glorious moments (and there have been plenty.. trust me). He has woken up at every point when I was just too frustrated with Liyana’s sleep schedule (because… why was she sleeping through the night at 4 months… like WHY? I know.. totally reasonable right?). Truly, I couldn’t have asked for a better partner and father to our baby.
The past year, has been just all that AND so much more. Frustrations, tears and LOTS and LOTS of smiles and laughter. It has been the year of many firsts: first plane ride, first time petting a puppy, first time figuring out how to stand in the crib, first time learning how to spit out food (not fun for me!), first time falling off the bed (oops!), first time falling asleep by her self… and many many many more than I can count. It has been a year where time has zipped past us and the seasons have changed, and you can actually feel it by looking back on how little she used to be. Sometimes, I see other new borns and this strange nostalgia over comes me where I find myself reminiscing when Liyana was that small. And then I remember, how when she was indeed that young, I would wish for time to hurry up so she could be bigger and do all the things that older kids do. Strange, isn’t it, wishing for all the different times that you can’t have? Truly, all I can do is look back and smile because what this year has truly taught me is that the the carousel of time just keeps on turning and I only want to look forward. Here is to another year and many many many more wonderful years with my darling baby girl and husband – My little family. Happy Birthday my darling. May you be strong, may you be independent, may you be kind and may you always be a source of joy and happiness to us <3